Talking to someone you care about when you think they may be struggling with their mental health can be uncomfortable, but it’s important. Sharing what you’ve noticed and expressing that you care can help immensely. They might believe their struggles are invisible or that no one cares enough to see them. Many people who’ve experienced emotional distress or suicidal ideation say they sought help because someone reached out. Here are some strategies to help you help a friend.
Notice Signs Someone May Be Struggling
Signs can vary, but typically fall in the category of changes in behavior – the person “not acting like themself,” such as:
- Loss of interest in hobbies
- Engaging in risky behavior, such as driving under the influence or unprotected sex
- Missing class, work, or other commitments
- Increased isolation and distance in relationships
- Changes in eating and sleep patterns
- Trouble remembering or focusing
- Mood swings
- Feeling down, angry, or anxious more often; low energy
- Decrease in self-care and hygiene.
- Mania (periods of unusually high energy, mood, or activity)
- Using substances in larger amounts or over a longer period of time
- Having trouble leaving one’s residence hall, house, or apartment
- Threatens, talks about, or hints at harm to self or others
Prepare
Learn available support resources, should they be open to support. You can explore supportive mental health options in the resource hub.
Plan what you want to say. Think about what you’ve observed. Consider its effect on you and other areas of life that you know the person cares about. Approach the conversation with genuine care and curiosity about the other person’s experience. Practice what you’ll say to help you feel more comfortable.
Choose a place that is quiet and private. Engaging in a shared activity can help ease nerves. Consider going for a walk or sharing coffee during the conversation.
Having the Conversation
- Be present.
- Talk about the changes you’ve observed using “I” statements. Some phrases that might work for you:
- I’ve noticed [behavior changes]. Can we talk about it?
- I care about you and want to make sure you’re okay. I’m here if you want to talk about anything.
- I’m worried about you. Is there anything I can do to help?
- Actively listen without judgment. Let them take the lead. You don’t have to solve the problem.
- Remember that this doesn’t have to be a one-time conversation. They may not be ready to seek support yet, and that’s okay. Don’t pressure them, and know that even if they don’t change, you didn’t fail or do anything wrong. You can always try to bring the conversation back up again.
- If they are ready to seek support, make an effort to check in and support them throughout their journey.
Debrief and Self-Care
Tough conversations can be rewarding, draining or disappointing. When supporting others, don’t forget to check in and care for yourself. You can’t pour from an empty cup.
Seek your own support. Have an outlet for your feelings—journal, create art, move, or talk to a trusted person about how the situation impacts you and potential next steps. Consider reaching out to a mental health resource if you need additional support.
Continue to make time for activities and people that you enjoy.
Your willingness to have a conversation matters for you, for this person, and for creating a community of care on campus. Thank you – really! – for being open to supporting the people around you.
Build your skills: Mental Health First Aid and other trainings at UNC teach you how to recognize and respond when someone is struggling.